During this time of Lenten contemplation, we rest in the presence of the God that overflowed with so much compassion and love for us that there would be no boundary too far to restore our relationship with God through the sacrifice of Jesus. During these events of Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Holy Saturday, I try very hard to sit in the moment and contemplate the events. It is difficultrd, when we know the story of the Resurrection, not to try to jump past the pain and right into the joy.

This year, I gave a lot of thought to Mary, the mother of Jesus, and I pondered how she must have felt. She is not the Mary, sister of Martha and Lazarus. She is not Mary Magdalene or the other Mary who went to the tomb and found it joyously and miraculously empty. Instead, this is the Mary who bore the burden of us all through her simple and faithful acceptance of innocence and I wonder how worried her mind must have been, even as he was Anna revealed, prophesy, the pain she would bear even as Jesus was presented at the Temple for circumcision at just 8 days old.

It is to that Mary, that my heart goes out to in deep contemplation, especially during these most Holy days. You see, I am a happy person, but something that few people know about me, is that I, like many people, am a born worrier. I do not have the deep frown lines around my eyes and and on my forehead because I am genuinely blessed and feel easy joy in my life. My lines and wrinkles are from age and laughter. But, nonetheless, I bear the kind of worried mind that is born of compassion for others and the for the futures I see for them in their circumstances. Sympathy and empathy for the many things that I really cannot change occupy my mind when said mind should give things up to God and be in meditation and prayer.

Admittedly, when I pray and should be waiting patiently for god’s answer, my mind is racing ahead to try to find a solution for whatever I have prayed about. Instead of clearing my mind and opening it up fully to the work of the Spirit, my worried mind tries its best to find the answer formed of human machinations. And worse, I assume that I can feel less anxious because I surely should be able to do this in my own. I assume that my God-given skills and abilities are in place so that I do not have to bother God, or wait for God’s time to meet my time. The Anabaptist term, “Ayana bang hatz,” or “a worried heart” are all about fretting over things that faith tells you to leave to God.

And so I do wonder if Mary, as the mother of Jesus, had a worried heart, despite her early and unquestioning submission and obedience. As the hatred for her Son began to grow, we know that there are Biblical references of his family asking him to tone it down. During this Lent, think about how much Mary knew about how things would end. Imagine her worried heart and her troubled mind just wondering how long she might still have her child with her. Even if she knew His destiny, his amazing sacrifice to save a world in crisis, how she must have worried, even if it was whether her own strength and faith would be enough to survive the end.

If you, like I, must admit that we do not turn things over to God and trust that the answers will come, consider this Resurrection Sunday as a day to turn that worrisome practice into a more trusting relationship with God, no matter what the problems might be. Practice more love, more prayer, and more patience and ease your troubled hearts or minds.